An Introduction

Why I'm really here.

I guess I should take a moment to tell my three subscribers who I am and what I’m doing here.

I’m not here to gain subscribers, to be honest. I just wanted an outlet that felt a little more “loud” than my traditional journal. There’s something about exposing the narratives in my brain that I find comforting. As if I’m no longer keeping them locked in, able to break out of my continuous thought cycles.

I’ve been managing depression and anxiety for about ten years now. The first three years after my diagnosis were especially challenging. I didn’t want to accept it, I told myself there was something wrong with me that needed to be fixed. I would talk to people about my spiraling thoughts and feeling like my mind was out of control and I too often would hear “just let them go. Take a breath and stay present. Don’t focus on what you can’t control.” I wish it were that easy. I can’t just turn off what is in my head - I can’t just simply let thoughts go, no matter how hard I try. That’s why tools like meditation, exercise and sleep are imperative for me, and are a top priority in my day to day wellbeing to stay regulated.

Every couple of years or so, I notice my mental health hits a low point. Like a wave that swells and returns to sea, the swelling is the anticipation that my thoughts are revving up again; they are coming in full force, and I have to wait it out so they can settle once again. This can take a couple of days, a couple of weeks or even months. I used to freak out by this, thinking I am returning to the scariest parts of my mind, but I’ve figured out how to approach these dips with love and gentleness.

I’m trying to deeper understand what my passions are and figure out how I want to spend my day to day life as a creative individual. I deeply want to be a full time working actor/writer, however, with the current state of the entertainment industry and the growing competition, there is no telling when being a full-time actor will happen for me. Knowing this, I have to figure out how to fill in the gaps. But that’s where challenges arise.

I’ve tried lots of approaches: Teaching, nannying, serving, administrative assisting, even personal training. But nothing really “stuck” as an exciting career I wanted to invest in indefinitely. So I feel like I’m starting back from square one. Sitting down, outlining what all of my skills and interests are to try and narrow down some kind of perfectly curated job that I could be suitable for. It’s as if I need that online career finder test we used to take in middle school where we input our interests and it churned out a list of potential job ideas. I remember my top three: Choreographer, Director, Writer, in that order. I also remember being angry at the test for not saying “actor” as my number one. It was listed option six.

There are lots of uncontrolled factors that get in the way of my dream career, and for someone like me, who needs explicit meaning and fun in their work environment, it’s no wonder I’ve bounced from job to job while trying to make my creative career thrive. Are my standards impossibly high? Deeper meaning and fun in all job opportunities? I don’t think so. Obviously I don’t need every working hour to be fun and exciting, but I do require a level of purpose and passion in what I do, ideally that doesn’t fade after the first six months.

I envy those who work solely to support their art. Who can do the grunting, mundane jobs because they trust their time will come. I’ve tried that, but it just isn’t enough for me. Sometimes I feel guilty. Like my art and creativity should always be at the forefront of my work ethic, meaning I would do anything, take any job to make “creative success” happen for myself. Maybe I lack patience and I just need to hold out and work a little harder. Maybe I lack ambition, not believing I can “do it all.” Or maybe, I am beginning to ask more from life and want something bigger than my creative identity.

I get jealous when I see people succeed creatively. It makes me feel like they found the magic path forward and I’m somehow being left out. I don’t like to admit this, because I fear it shows where I’m deeply insecure and lacking self-trust. But I’m trying this thing where I speak my fears and insecurities out loud because holding them in hasn’t gotten me anywhere. So if you continue to read any of these open, public journals of mine, this is what you can expect; more fears revealed, more thoughts exposed, and many, many more questions asked.

I’m twenty-eight, single and starting from square one. Nice to virtually meet you.